CRIMSON LOVE SONNET

By Way of Sea

2011-11-22T22:59:00.000-08:00

Later boys its the death of the world
Lost alone in Love
They cast out their pearls
Alone in the night
Divided by swine
So softly she drifts
By soft lunar light

Away for a day
The sound of a hum
Beats steady and loud
like an old ships drum
Pounding inside
They row in by day
Holding to the hearts
These lost lovers saved

So I think of you from a far
So my ship may then sink
Two Lovers apart
Drift further by sea

And in dreams we might meet
And in memories we shall die
Buried in between the sheets
With those secrets we hide

UNREQUITED WINTER

2011-05-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

Someone must have dropped
a bullet from the sky
That lit up the Heaven's
And stole away the night

For in your arms
I thought I might lay
Til death did we part
And the love still remained

All of the stars in heaven
Must have fallen below
And cast their light in the favor
of your magnificent glow

Someone must have stolen
All the diamonds from the mines
And set them deeply in
the sockets of your eyes

It was never untrue
Nor was it ever meant to be
That someone like you
Could love someone like me

LIFE'S LONG CYCLE.

2011-04-13T23:27:00.001-07:00

I know what's wrong with the world
But now more than ever,
I seem to know what's right.
I can't be undone, I can't commit
I recoil from the fight.

The terror, the train, the pull to the wall
And the bouncing of the ball
Like a pendulum swings to the highest highs
Still falls to the lowest lows
I will, and so will it, return to the middle,
And when provoked,
Swing upward again.

By this, is life's long cycle.
-Cmenard 4.13.2011

THE PLACE WHERE DEVILS GO.

2011-04-05T23:59:00.001-07:00

Where do you blow the indigo
Its mixed with blue grey hues
Darker across a tattered fold
The aged nature is true.

When a demon smiles up at me
From the bottom of the lagoon
I breathe in a quiet manner
Beautiful silence erupts in bloom.

Stirred in cotton bounty
And the balls the reapers sew
Cast their affection below me
To the place that Devils know.

BE YOUR GRIM REAPER

2011-04-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

I'll be your grim reaper
I'll hold your heart in a case
I'll watch the time and the moments
Keep you shackled in your place

I'll be your grim reaper
Switch the roles of master and slave
Inhale you through billow and smoke
Just to hold that precious face

I'll be your grim reaper
I'll hold the ticking of your time
When the bomb goes off Explodes within
Forever when you were mine.

DISSOLVES WITH THE FLAME

2011-03-01T22:42:00.000-08:00

Where are you in your love
Where colds and cuddles lay
When cupid and Valentines fall from above
Into the palm of your wrinkled hand

When will you see me then
When my heart bleeds your name
And God's and demons up above
Continue to play their evil games

What will you see in your love
What's the nature of your pain
When I hold you closely to my heart
The the words dissolve with the flame

-C.Menard 3.1.2011

OYSTERS

2011-02-27T23:19:00.000-08:00

Quietly Diving
For Oysters,
Opening
and Digging In.

Silently Diving
For Oysters
Quiet Opening,
Digging in.

-CMenard. 2.27.2011

MONSTERS

2011-02-27T18:33:00.000-08:00

I don't have any wisdom.
I'm a leper in the cold.
Cast out by my own hands.
I wear a beautiful veil.

As for people named Virginia,
They've got sensibility
And know what men have created-
MONSTERS.

-C.Menard 2.26.2011

TO LAURA, THE FOLDS

2011-02-18T18:13:00.000-08:00

If tears were to fall down
Upon that milky face
I'd surely save them all
In the folds of my widows lace.

-C.Menard 2.18.2011

I ONLY KNOW HIM AT NIGHT

2011-02-15T00:29:00.000-08:00

I only Know him at night
Its when the streets bring him to me
Our paths cross under buzzing lights
Roaring laughter from the eaves

Under the cold of the moon's light
Sound of splashing water
on speeding cars
Thugs,Tipsy, lovers embrace
The Angel reminds of us where we are

I've only known him at night
When the bars sometimes call our names
The stranger by way of the roadside
Bears the burden of the game.

-C.Menard 2.15.2011

HOW MORAL IS MY BAROMETER

2011-02-14T23:18:00.000-08:00

How moral is my Barometer
That gives the readings of the times
Heated by the fires of hell in summer
And the sting of arctic ice.

How Moral is my Barometer
I look to you when you look to me
Feel the wind of winter
We all know the truth sets us free

How Moral is my Barometer
When I see the bones of your milky face
I study the angles protruding from them
The shadows play like widow's lace

How Moral is my Barometer
When I think of him, he thinks not of me
I cast my affections toward him
But his attention is fixed across the sea.

-C.Menard 2.14.2011

FIND A MUSE, LET THE TORTURE BEGIN

2011-02-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

Find a muse, let the torture begin
All the troubles wrapped up within
Things seem to roll at a perfect pace
Then shaken and stirred when
They've entered your space

Find a muse, let the ride begin
The hell holes and roller coasters
The mania sets in
Wade through the the debris
The sadness falls thick

Find a Muse, let the begging begin
And the quiet reflections hold to their limbs
Wading and drowning through a barren pond
The love of a muse is only a mirage

-C.Menard 2.13.2011

DEAR HEART

2011-01-01T16:42:00.000-08:00

Dear Heart;
I hear you loud and clear
I've heard your plea, and what you want
I want you to know I haven't forgotten the promise,
Or the make up, or the pact, or the lies....

I'll keep true to you
Like the Fall and the spring
I will appear, again and again
With the cycle and what it brings

But Dear Heart,
Maybe you could do something for me
Help me to get through the patch of ice
That the winter before us brings
I need to feel alive and loved
I need to know that its all worth the struggle
And the upstream fight

Please help me Heart
I need you to keep pumping blood
Through my cold Lonely veins.
And need to get through the melancholy
Of what the ice in winter brings
1-1-2011

YOUR HOLY WAR

2010-12-24T01:50:00.000-08:00

I may not be pretty like I was before.
My Neck is ripped, scarred and torn.
The skin will never be like before
I've gone through the throws of your holy war.

WHERE THE LOVE MAY LIE

2010-10-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

If I could hold you up to me
Just once in this dream
This Mr Perfect dark world
Fights for the seam
And when worlds hold your tongue
And waves surely collide
You dream to the beat of a rythmn
That exists only with the tide

A maiden drowning by the wayside
A knight shining to the tee
When the world that you think of
Shall end into a dream
Know nothing can harm you
And where you continue to hide
Its all by the river
And by the turn of the tide

LE SANG/THE BLOOD

2010-10-17T23:00:00.000-07:00

Si je pourrais t'écrire une livre
ou te chanter cette chanson
À travers le ruisseau
Ces journées sont longues

Et dans ces rêves
Du sang et de la neige
Prise malade à mes secrets
Seulement les diables sauront

If I could write you this book
or to sing you this song
Through the brook
These days are long

And in these dreams
of Blood and snow
Still holds my darkest secrets
Only the devils will know

IF I WERE A BOMB

2010-10-02T20:18:00.000-07:00

If I were a bomb ignited
Guns, barrels,
Black powder and smoke
I would love to choke
On the taste of you

Ticking away with the siren
The buttons only pushed
By the likes of you

The sizzle of the match
Across the pavement
Roughed and scorched
The scent is new

Burnt to the pulp
And the blood becomes vapor
By way of fire
Is what we choose

THE RIVERS EDGE

2010-09-08T22:40:00.001-07:00

Day breaks today
A padded cell feels like a womb
Torn, broken and stolen
Unanswered by you
Still pirates are true through the midnight skies
Poor angels they weep, while lovers die

Two birds at the corner
In tangled delight
Lie on the bed by which they've fed
I know you and need you and see you tonight
While kids play by the river's edge
Two lovers by the lake swim in naked
Delight
I can only hope, and I can only try

DAWN DROPS

2010-08-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

Dawn drops from a midnight sky
Til tears fall from stolen eyes
The scorned widow conceals the lies
While crickets keep perfect time.

Wrapped tightly in a window,
She spins her web
All her children are rightly fed
Flies are captured and slowly bled
Died to lay down in your bed

Tomorrow may come as yesterdays treat
Spiders and moths hurriedly feast
Two lovers at the corner,
Discreetly meet
Breaths are bottled in silent springs

ALL THE SECOND STRINGS

2010-07-15T23:02:00.000-07:00

This heart
This hurt, this egg
Broken beyond repair
Bruised, yellow & black
Should know better than to go back for more.

Should know it's wrong to go back
But what is love that doesn't scar
Cut and bleed you beyond repair
How far does the river wind
From what tear did it begin

I am a second string fiddle to you
All the strings broken and used

-C.Menard 7.15.2010

MY HEART IS LIKE THE TITANIC

2010-06-25T21:43:00.000-07:00

My heart is like the Titanic
Broke down trying to sail the shores
Wade through the ice of the Atlantic
Endless nights bring on the storm

Skewered by an iceberg, feel the panic
See the water rushing through
the pores
Veins filled with waves reek havoc
Anchors weigh down even more

No vests, no rafts, no commandment
Believe the lies of Women and Child
Your lovers hand is absent
You were alone in this darkest hour

Blood leaves the vessel of the Titanic
Shanked by icebergs in dark watery maze
Such futile attempts to swim for
Souls sink to their ocean grave

LOVE IS A LETHAL DRUG

2010-06-13T22:48:00.000-07:00

Love is a lethal drug
A constant painful score
Fooled by jokers, Cupid's cruel plight
Keeps you only Begging for more

Love like a dealer At midnight
Knows just what You're looking for
Wraps the arms In Rubber ties
Flesh marred by Open sores

Love is injected So many times
Through marble gaping veins
Love rides like a virus through heated nights
Holds tightly to the Reigns.

-C.Menard 6.13.2010
For TEG. I'm a slave and victim to unrequited love.

WITH THE FALL

2010-05-20T15:04:00.000-07:00

What comes forth through Springtime
Is sweeter than before
Cut swiftly through
Rose and weed patch
Beneath the vine and thorn

Winter's aftertaste is bitter
The cold shakes you to the bone
Ghosts roam the roads of
Tired slaves Shackled
Their hearts are done for

In Summer when the heat is upon us
And our secret is hard to tell
Remember words we whisper
Torches the heat of Hell

Sweet devil deliver upon me
The answer with the Fall
When leaves turn brown
And skies are gray
I've seen my dying days.

STOLEN DREAMS

2010-05-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Stolen Dreams
Muscle car.
I Went Joyridin.
Parked it in your garage.
You never even knew
That I had been there

OXYGEN

2010-05-11T22:48:00.000-07:00

Oxygen I can take
And the sadness shakes
All the best of me
All the worst of me
Down to the shriveled up marrow
Of my bones

Oxygen I can take
And the pill I break
Shared in halves
Cut the pain
That I've known

Oxygen in my mind
If I could only find
Some sort of distraction
Some deterrent
Like flocks of geese
Or Ocean waves
Breathing lips
On blue pale skin

Oh Oxygen I remember
How you used to be
How you kept me alive
And taught me how to breathe
Friend that nourished me

RETIRED THE PURSE

2010-05-11T22:37:00.001-07:00

I die at the sight of you
Every time
Those evil eyes
Suck me in
Chew me up
Spit me back out
Wrapped around your fingers
Again and again
Wound so tight
Ribbons and twine
Cut the circulation
Reintroduce us
Two lovers
One time, one pass
Are we but friends?

From Jesus and the devil
Who misses the Heavens above
He cries from below
Toward the high he might have been
Can you kiss this pain
Hear my hurt
Kills me inside
To know I was not
The first, the last
For the better
Only for the worse

How quickly to run
Away from me
Once I've retired the purse
And you know it'll never change

FAST ENOUGH

2010-03-28T23:50:00.000-07:00

The way the wind whispers
Speaks your name
Miss you still
Miss the air Around you
Miss the way I found you
When We were running through the rain

This summer heat is upon us
Pounding upon our bodies
Lying on the ground and running
Beat to a pulp and Bloodied
When Time asks you for money
An empty hand is all you have for me
And loveless words rooted from seeds

I see time, I see nothing
All too well
I dwell and miss you
Run through a barren field to get through
All things were meant to
Return to dust
And in their course

God help me, I cannot heal fast enough

The Phone Call

2010-03-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

New dawn. New day
The sun falls and sets upon
your tired brow
Miss the eyes
Miss the scent
Miss the ears
The sounds
The hums
the promises
The secrets
The way
Don't miss the drink
Don't miss what it makes me say
Or do
Emotions are complex enough as it is
Suppose its not necessary
To change
Ever is, ever was
Ever more
Leave me
Why did I answer the phone
Tonight
You did not want to hear a solution
But continued to pry and ask why
And how and where
There's nothing for me here
There's nothing for me there

BLACK KNIGHT

2010-02-04T15:32:00.000-08:00

Hey
Sir. Black knight
You better come back for
Your high horse
Soon.

Sir.
Black knight
You better
Return for Your
high horse
Soon.

WOUNDS OF THE WORLD

2010-01-15T01:27:00.000-08:00

They break your back
They eat your cake
Running on empty
The battle deals a heavy blow

The fist is never fair
And the player is not there
When time pays her share
Prison walls aren't so bad

Poison in their mouths
Venom in their veins
Runs up a doctor bill
No dollar can repay

Regain your fury
Rebuild your life
All the wounds of the world
Are healed in time

ALONE. ALL IN DUE TIME

2010-01-12T00:23:00.000-08:00

Alone in the morning
No arms to hold
Your aroma in those pillows
Still lingers there

Lingers long and lost
I remember those times
Like yesterday
You left me alone
Empty, breathless and on my own

Failed to listen to the signs before me
And it was too late to turn back the clock
When once upon a time I ran to you
Now we slip silently away

Beneath empty sheets and covers
No other body, not another one
I wonder if it was all a futile mistake
Or the right move to choose

Good-bye my love
This house is gone
Six years as my sanctuary
Four years as our home

Perhaps we can send some letters
And exchange sweet notes
For our hearts reward
All in due time

GENIUS JUICE

2010-01-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

Only my mother thinks I am a genius
And in some ways,
that makes her
A genius
Because she spawned me
from her genius juice.

YOU, MY DEAR, ARE A COCK

2010-01-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

I am busy packing
Burying the Betrayal
Rearranging the Trust
The house is nearly empty
There is nowhere to lie there
Its cold and dusty
Cobwebs adorn the corners and doors

Runaway to another state
A criminal charged wants to be caught
Flee to Florida, Arizona, Texas
Get FAT. Get FUCKED....
Rambler on the run,
Cannot run from yourself
Look in the mirror before you
Face the lie
Fester and rot with the fleas

A worm-laden heart
Is what you own now
Tear it all apart
There is no more home
Nowhere to hide
No place for tantrums
Charm and acting school days are done

And I feel like a bitch
For believing the lies
For believing in you
And for believing in what I "thought" we had

A Cheap party thrift whore,
charms people like soulless snakes
No wonder you cluck through the pen of hens
Because you, my dear, are a cock.

THE EARTH

2009-12-28T14:52:00.000-08:00

The earth has left me here
Alone and unknown year after year
I wish that you could hear
The wailing inside of my heart

The breaking of my aches
And the shattering of my bones
Leaves me but no choice
I will surely die alone

And I've loved you with all my soul
With every ounce of my breath
The love that we shared
Was the only sweetness left

What's come and what's gone awry
And all the tears I've cried
There may one day come a time
When true lovers say goodbye

For T.E.G. I've had nothing but pure love for you

CALL OF THE WILD

2009-12-11T18:11:00.000-08:00

When wind bends between the ears
When women climb between the sheets
When juices drip down from the legs
This is the call every man hears
The call of the wild

When sirens are drowning the senses
When a woman is giving up her menses
When life is beating you bloody
And you get up to take another bruising
The call of the wild

Where forests are slain by machinery
Where brothers turn against another
When friends turn against their lovers
And the dead have no one to bury their bones
The call of the wild

The call of the wild
Its the home of every monster
The den of cubs and mothers
The children fed their supper
And kin will be safely nestled in bed

THE TABLE

2009-12-11T12:54:00.000-08:00

I could shake you and break you and split apart your head
I hate you I love you and pray to god that you were dead
Now you've made it up all so fucking pretty
Time to lie down in your bed

When times were crumbling I always ran right to your side
I was always the last soul to leave and the first one to arrive
I ask myself and wonder why I continue to hold such high
Regards for you

I took apart my broken heart and rearranged it for you
I stiched together the pieces, they were only held with glue
There's nothing left worth saving, I would have died for you
When all things keep changing, best to let them up and move

I held that bottle in my hand and spared myself the doom
Trembling now and shaking I can see the doctors in my room
They pump the poison from my stomach
but there's no life left to save in here

Those times they are a changing
You hear everybody say
Best get on and moving on that midnight train
There's nothing left worth saving, its easier this way
Throw my heart far in that winter grave.

Float above a table where the whispereres gather round
The trimmings of the scapels edge lay motionless on the ground
I wonder what secret spell had suddenly got me down
But now I'm finally free from here

THE HURRICANE THAT BRINGS THEM HOME

2009-12-05T14:19:00.001-08:00

If only there were enough hours in the day
To keep the wolves at bay
She wears a golden heart for you
Its truth rusted shut to her chest

Alone in the absence of Heaven
Where the dying cry out below
She waits and prays this tornado
Doth deal her a final blow

The swirling of the chairs and honeybees
The eyes of the tigers and laundry
Wait to respond so softly
Once the hurricane brings them home

Displaced like midnight marauders
This heart was lead to slaughter
And if the chase was merely fodder
Then the cheat was a temporal muse.

BURGUNDY ROOM

2009-11-30T22:17:00.000-08:00

In the corner she's a midnight ruse.
Open mouths the spotlight's on you.
Words hurt their tongues are tied
Its what we seem to lose.

Brazen whores and endless nights
Unfinished floors, sharpened knives
Futile search for what we fail to find
Pokes the eyes that keep us blind

A covered heart is a lion in despair
Turns the key of a door that's not there
Vicious ends cut beyond repair
While the thieves divvy out their shares

These nighttime wolves shall devour entrails
And trains collide with damsels so frail
Nothing beats going off the rails
Tipping the balance of the scales

A meteor shower slowly burns and dies
Their crashing death opens eyes
Swollen joints and empty lives
We trudge the lows to get the highs

TINSEL TOWN

2009-11-03T22:13:00.000-08:00

I think you know where it all went down
Way upon the banks of that Tinsel Town
The fight that ensued came to insist
And their rebellion could not resist
They boiled over like demons in coffee brew
But the battle was the most natural thing
anyone went through

Four scores and Several seas
We couldn't possibly know what that could mean
But the fighting pilots flew their childhood dreams
Made their families proud while they traversed the skies

They strapped into suits made of expensive fibers
A hole cut in the crotch with a hose attached
Every man needs to drain his tank
Even when engaged high in a dog fight

A dog fight is a man's battle
Only one comes out, the other below
Be piss stains on their pants
They are thankful for the plastic tube
And the absence of their wives
Thankful their time was spared
Continue with the end of their lives

They remember the banks of the Tinsel Town
And they retire to their twilight rooms
As the tinsel tears and frays
Never speaking of what they lived through

PIRANHAS ARE NEAR

2009-10-29T12:36:00.000-07:00

How can I be happy when my joy is away
Long periods of time.
I wait....I'm always waiting
For the tornado to arrive
I occupy my space and mind with
Mounds of work and busy time
Running myself into the ground
Silently, a reclusive
Like a widow knitting her web

Quietly I keep to myself
Confide in my canine companion
She is my familiar half
Our silent understanding brings comfort

I miss the sound of his voice
The steps of his shoes
Entering across the hardwood
The faint scent of smoke
Lingering on the porch
Low forgotten radio tunes
That drown out the static

We grow closer through the years
Though the piranhas are always near
They keep a watchful eye
on the hearts we hold dear

BUTTS

2009-10-21T23:32:00.000-07:00

I like to eat the butts of bread, and the butts of men.

"Truth is Stranger than Fiction."

2009-10-03T11:47:00.001-07:00

Today pieces fall into place.
Mysteries begin to make sense.
The fables that I thought were pieces of clouded half-truths
are in fact true to life facts.
I guess I will never doubt what I hear from those lips again.

As incredulous as the story may seem,
it is in fact very real.
It is a myriad of images and pieces thrown together
in boxes within boxes wrapped in velvet and cotton.
And one day, you open it and find the answers
to what you always wanted to know.

So the saying goes "Truth is Stranger than Fiction."

Rejection Letters.

2009-08-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

Rejection letters are the toilet papered testament to an artist's existence. Pull another square. flush. repeat.

WOODBURY

2009-08-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

Somewhere near Woodbury
A devil calls his home
South of Lakes and Rivers
His hell is just his own

I gave my heart to a digger
And man he buried it so deep
As it fell into that pit beneath us
My Private loss made me weep

Went up to that road called Woodbury
Where the devil digs those shallow graves
Would he kindly fork out to me
An old soul that still remains

He only grinned and looked at me
He called me out by name
He said "don't cry for that heart you lost"
"You have only yourself to blame."

Wipe clean this tear stained face
Cry not for your human ways
Cannot repent or correct the road
The reaper has got to pave

I've accepted the truth of my fate
For I've lost what's right and good
The longer you stay on Woodbury
The more you bury Wood.

ARMY OF ME

2009-08-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

There's nothing worth following
And there's nothing to lead
Guess the only army left
Is the army called "Me."

It's lonely.
But easier in some regards.
When the going gets tough
The tough get hard

Its best I be on my own
And alone on my way
To that valley below
There's no place to stay

No place to go
No one to lead
Just me and myself
And this Army of Me.

MARDI GRAS

2009-08-18T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am a chauffeur for you
Nothing more and nothing less
I'll continue to bleed for you
You know its what I do best

I have a lot of blood to give
You'll take till the last drop remains
Dulled by knives and stab wounds
Somehow they stifle the pain

I am a chauffeur for you
An archaic chamber maid
Belonging not to this world at hand
Paper masks will cover the shame

I am a clown to entertain you
A vessel of jokes and games
Wigs and powder, crimson lips
Still water removes the blame

WHERE YOU'VE DROWNED

2009-08-17T22:35:00.000-07:00

Go on and disappear if you need to
I may not be around to look where you've drowned
That pace I keep to keep this face
And all those secrets I've found

Disappear to another moment if you have to
The stress lets me melt off the pounds
Keeping time alone, alone and waiting
To this beaconing I'm tethered and bound

Go on and Climb a mountain if you have to
You're up so high while I'm on the ground
The rocks crumble beneath, down below you
Planting your flag makes you proud

Disappear into that lake if you want to
Tell me about that shiny ring you caught and found
I've disappeared before into that same lake
And no one could pull me back when I drowned

STOLE THE LIFE FROM MY HEART

2009-08-08T13:45:00.000-07:00

I've been getting visits from ghosts in my room again
Can't get them out of my head
Won't stay clear of my bed
Lonely, and tired, pretending is a thankless game

I'm at my wits and their end
My ropes dipped over that kerosene flame
Days go on without a tear from the sky
Days go on unanswered without a drop from my eye
Cut the chords and cut the chase

There's only so much I can pretend my friends
When I am gone, you are all to blame
Where were you when I did ask you for help
Where were you when I called out your names
So I continued to pretend,
As not to confront you with the pain

The switch has flipped a fast pace again
I remember the quickness in the dark
I settled into routine, and lost sight of my ways
Which stole the life from my heart

BRICKS IN THESE WALLS

2009-07-19T16:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I just want to break down at your feet
Fall from the cross that sets you free
I know my enemy is always in me
I tear apart my aching heart

These aching tears stream from my eyes
The joy you seek when another one cries
Why must we always say these good byes
And keep a string tied between the miles

I'll run away sometime in June
There was nothing old and nothing new
I've been falling apart, been overly used
Cannot take the pounding of the bricks in these walls

FAKE BEER

2009-07-09T11:08:00.000-07:00

I hide my tears behind a fake beer
Keeps my arrow straight and more sincere
I've cried into this lake
Well that's just cupid's fate
And if I could I'd kick him straight in the rear

I hide these tears behind a fake beer
Seems better than divulging my hopes and fears
I wonder what it'd take,
To win a little dough upon my plate
Because I'm hungry and this bucks lookin' mighty sheer

I hide my tears behind a fake beer
Better than gettin' pissed with all these steer
As the drinks take them away,
Tomorrow's hell we'll have to pay
And the end of my old liver is drawing near

SECRETLY

2009-07-02T21:08:00.001-07:00

I feel like my back is being
Dismembered bit by bit
Vertebra by Vertebra
Muscle through nerves
Cell by cell
Silently I sit
Hurts like hell
Quietly I smile
Grin and bear it

FIREWORKS GO OFF IN THE SKY

2009-06-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Fireworks go off in the sky
They kiss the world goodbye
I can hear them in premature splendor
The Heavens are their fated endeavor

The fireflies buzz through the fields
The spectators in love with the deal
The cannons in the sky are so surreal
Homage to forefathers by patriotic feel

Along the roads spectators watch at bay
Humming along picnic blanket maze
Forgotten are the moments of their dismay
Saluting the fathers the American way

We turn our heads this Fourth of July
Will never return, nor question the whys
When woe has forgotten to turn the tide
Igniting our love high in the sky

I miss my love

2009-06-02T10:36:00.000-07:00

I miss my love so much
I'm about to totally
Break Down.
Thank God for my dog
If not for her,
I'd totally lose it.

Filling up the lonely days
With empty voices
And Empty Activity
Empty Conversation
Busy Errands. Busy Art.

All I want to do
Is be with him
Be near him
Feel our bodies
So close again.
Soon I hope
He will return
I cry and wait
And I count the days.

I miss my love.
I miss him so.

WHEN LOVE HAS GONE AWAY

2009-05-25T21:40:00.001-07:00

Love Can change you
Color your eyes with roses and pearls
Cloud your decision with doubt and envy
Uncertain diluted tales

Oh Love, you fallible friend
Speaks open and widely
Your tongue's on fire
And your lore unforgotten

Now tell me sweet devil, dear Jesus
You slave to opiates, hopes and lies
Can you survive and withstand the potency
Of your corrupt treacherous ways?

I beg you and ask you for mercy
When you leave me here
Waiting at the grave
Alone, begging and forgotten
When love has gone away

EARTHLY DELIGHTS

2009-05-09T17:50:00.000-07:00

My pillow is tear stained
My heart is used
Left to the beating
Of this deathly gloom
Locked to a wall
And tethered to a tire
Set my hair and corpse on fire

Shered like a lamb
In spring time she rose
From deep beneath a slumber
And tattered silk worn
Awoken by the sound
Of birds high in flight
A long sought road
To earthly delights

CONCRETE CAGE

2009-05-09T17:45:00.000-07:00

Here alone sitting in this room
Fermenting like a bottle of
Unsuspecting doom
Rotting and coroding this cesspool in me
Left to the devices of my solemn debris

Falling into oblivion
In my mind this dismay
What becomes of tomorrow
And come what may
Trying to save the rest of me
To find my escape
From the chains and confines
Of this concrete cage

ROCKY TIDES

2009-05-07T23:51:00.001-07:00

A fire beneath me
Suddenly brave
Again, my cousin calls to me
My Cosmic kin who knows
My plight

Tools to be given
Governed and may
Fail to suit me
In my awkward ways

A broken tragedy
All women whose hearts
He's worn
Tied to his charms
By Rusted Chains
'til death we've sworn

By midnight lone marauders
Witness Distant lovers flight
Death Pacts by numbers
Sworn through Such
morbid delight

Too young to give in to
Too stubborn for good-byes
Oh captain,
shall swim through
Water of these rocky tides

AS NOT TO DROWN

2009-04-22T23:35:00.000-07:00

My face is green
My heart is bruised
Thrown overboard
Into a dismal sea
Pretty as I float there
Blue and lacking air
A tragic madonna who has
Lost her life

Given away too much
Gained little in return
The sage and clay sting my cheeks
As I remember drowning
In that murky well
One Sunday afternoon

The bucket overhead
Catapulted below
Hit me and cracked open my skull
Blood and water dripping into my eyes
Out my nose
Struggle to reach it and be lifted up
Above the bricks and rocks
Back to the land I used to call home
And into the arms of lovers, and strangers
Who tried to save me from that fate

Years later, I returned to the water
So dark and cold
Shallow breaths to hold
Try to stay afloat despite the
Weight of my gown
Give in to anything
As not to drown

FORGOTTEN DREAMS

2009-04-17T23:15:00.001-07:00

You are on my tongue and lips
Quiet, like a pillow
you fadeaway

Not knowing how I think of you
Wishing for a kind touch from a distance
The quiet art of make-believe
A losing game

At night a war wages inside me
Blood and catastrophe pulse through my veins
I am a victim and captive to the eyes
That haunt me
Green like turtles in murky seas

Falling and drowning
A voice might taunt me
And the ghosts and memories
Echo through forgotten dreams

BEGGING FOR MORE

2009-04-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish you knew
Exactly how I felt
Spray you with bullets
Still Valentine Love letter Massacre
Take my kindness for granted
Take my money and car
Yelling at me for what you've lost
when it really ain't my fault, it ain't my fault

Three years come and gone so quickly
And how you bleed me like a leach in a jar
Leaving me for dead, barely alive and breathing
I'll come around again
And make more to feed you and your friends

Pretty face is what I have to offer
Hide in the shadows of your glorious rays
Alone and quiet sitting in a back room
Waiting for you to return someday

The bleeding of the meat
And my body
Let my soul fester away
Like a leach on a shelf in a dark room
Hungry and begging for more

SLEEP THE DAY AWAY

2009-04-03T21:05:00.000-07:00

Sleep the Day away
Its a routine I'm not used to
But an act I've succombed to
When the agony and trail of tears
Dries on the pillows and the walls

Bare feet on the floor
Guilty heads hang low
The blows and cries ring
Through our throats and ears
It never gets easier with time
And harder we fall

Sleep the day away
It dulls the threat of pain
And the onset of humanity
Becomes a constant lull

DUEL TO THE DEATH

2009-03-21T14:47:00.001-07:00

Jumbled tornadoes that spin into oblivion
Annihilate and subject the peons in their path
Captured in a jar of rust and glass
They have found peace in their reckless form

Torn and bruised, their frail egos betrayed
The thoughts and promises, broken, kept and made
Love that's fair in every way
Could never be pulled from shackled slaves

Two renegade boats that sail onward through the night
A desolate road is their ill fated plight
Like pirates with patches, with swords sworn to fight
They duel to the death and its bitter end

THE LONELIEST GIRL I KNOW

2009-03-18T12:24:00.000-07:00

The loneliest Girl I know
Sits alone often and cries
Writes what her heart feels
And what her lips cannot convey
Has thoughts of dying and leaving
Has tasks heaped upon her plate
Is sad abused forgotten
Taken advantage of
Unappreciated, underestimated
And anticipates a better life
And striving toward change

The loneliest Girl I know
Waits for others and hearts
That they will not give
They do not know how to reciprocate
They leave her cold and sad
Take her money and her food
Forget that she ever existed
And that her feelings are frail
Buried deep below in her guts

The loneliest girl I know
Has friends in a blue screen
Has skin white as snow
Prefers the clicking of keys
And the ruckus of a room
She denies herself simple pleasures
Falls off the wall
Into the deep end
where there is no bottom
Visible In sight

The loneliest girl I know
Has nightmares and terrors
While the ones she love
Leave her to die

A MILLION MILES

2009-03-16T11:16:00.000-07:00

My heart beats a blue chord
Rythmn in my ears
Lost in emptiness my heart
sings a sallowed song of woe

Tongues lie and ears hide
What images break our bones
Lost and shaking from the damage
I've done to my body in two days.

You'll never understand
how much I love you
And how my soul begins to fray
When I'm here thinking of you
And you are a million miles away

FAR GREATER THINGS

2009-03-05T16:53:00.000-08:00

I wish with all my heart
And the core of my soul
That I was able to live my life
Freely

Unburdoned by worry, doubt or fear.
Gifted with monetary bounty
So that I may go and roam
And do as I please

How I loathe the anticipation
of Walking to and fro
To an ordinary daily grind.
I wish I could earn my living
From my creative endevours.
Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough.
Maybe I'm too comfortable in this "steady"
Kind of way.....Maybe.

I hate being locked down with schackels and glue
And answering questions and paperwork
When I know I'm destined
for far greater things.

I should not lose sight of who I am
Shall not lose sight of the greater
Picture at hand
There is more to this humming bird eagle
than meets the eye.

IN HIS ARMS

2009-03-01T00:54:00.000-08:00

Today is a day
Ordinary likeness
To all other days

The water runs
Machines hum
How my tired reasoning quakes
And the nausea settles in....

A fever ebbs and flows
Through my head
And through my bones
I wish I could be rid of
This seven day flu

Its a day of quiet laughter and demeanor
And nothing makes me happier
Than laying in his arms

PENETRATES THEIR BONES

2009-02-25T20:22:00.000-08:00

The flow of fall
Cloaked by the veil
Of cold air wonder
And dew mist gloom

Falls upon your brow
Blackened shroud
The milk and the honey
We will see no more

With the tremor of trains
And turning of tides
We see the decline of
Steadfast Families in furs

They swim like geese
In frozen arctic seas
And flail through the waves
While the ice penetrates
Their bones

UTILITY MAN

2009-02-09T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have no heart
No health
No home
The floorboards are warped
Heater is old and full of dust
It's cold outside and I remember the nights
When I could see my own breath from the
Blankets in my bed

My bones had been crushed
My arms had been abandoned
My soul turned to mush
Left alone to yearn and mourn
A patient hopeful existence
for someone who would likely
Never Return

The utility man came to my rescue
"No wonder you are grey....
You look so sad, and so cold
Shaking like a tremor all alone"

He was old. It was a winter early morning
And for something I thought had no cure
A heater was all I needed to repair
A broken heart

I WISH I HAD SAID NO TO TOMORROW

2009-02-06T23:26:00.000-08:00

I wish I had said No to tomorrow
And to all those empty promises
they had told
For if I had said no to tomorrow
I would have no accountability
to hold

And If I may find tomorrow
as A grand time I could not conceive
For who knows what lies in tomorrow
For tomorrow has yet to be seen

ANNE

2009-02-03T13:57:00.000-08:00

She is a towering flower
Who grew tired
From the weight of
her succulent petals

for A. Sexton

TWO BIRDS

2009-01-29T23:11:00.000-08:00

Two birds stranded in the night
One lacking courage
One unable to fly

From tree to tree
Destined to find
A route to happiness
And a nest for the wise

SPEAK KINDLY

2009-01-26T23:22:00.000-08:00

Winter falls
I fall apart
Winter fades
to a paler shade

Alone this time
Again the clone
is the only anecdote
that knows my name

Bear witness in June
That ripened fruit
And those hearts
Laden with Pain

Remember me
in fairer times
And speak kindly
of my name

SWEPT UNDER THE CARPET

2009-01-23T21:08:00.000-08:00

I hate being scared
The uncertainty that comes from fear
The fear from uncertainty
Will he break and when
What's broke and broken...

I am.

I was broken and mended myself
my stitch lines too weak
I was always a poor seamstress
Could hardly line the thread into the holes

Now my mends are falling apart and fraying
My hemlines are undone, raveled and used
Watch us fall apart and we are breaking
Into a thousand little pieces
Into a hundred shards of glass
A cluster of cracked debris
swept under the carpet.

Fools to think we ever could last
Fools to think our love would save us
From falling apart

BATTLE SCARS

2009-01-23T11:36:00.000-08:00

I went to bed crying last night
Tear stains and gray are what remains
The earth sheds some sympathy
By grace of natural ways

A hue of clouds stain my eyes
Still the tragedy is unchanged
Forgotten blows from last night
And to this load which I am chained

Apologies spoken by dim light
For the arrogance of these ways
Optimistic reluctance to tongues tied
For your battle scars will soon fade

MOUTHS OF BIRDS

2009-01-17T11:08:00.000-08:00

I'm breaking
and there's no one
to buffer
the fall.

I can't do it alone
I've given it all
as much as I can
And I'm drowning in
a sea of paper and ink

Hidden by a mache mask
Holding tears that seep
Relentlessly through the gaps
On the verge, a vessel born to crack

I've been eaten alive and spit into the mouths of birds

WOLF MOON

2009-01-10T23:24:00.000-08:00

The Wolf Moon
Full to the brim
Bright like light bulbs
Candles burning to the ends

Flames so hot
And love so torn
Holds in the moonlight
This dress that's worn

The Wolf Moon howls silently
Her thunder is heard
For miles around
With intent and concern

Our conscious is clear
And our minds are content
While the wolf sees the needs
Of her cubs are met

SO DEAR....

2009-01-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

Running from the hand of the clock
Is the activity I loathe and fear
Scarred by the wind a Desert Hawk
Closes in from the distant rear

When rain falls over the jewelled sands
And the hour approaches near
I'll run to the only open arms
That I pray to hold so dear

TORCH-LIT PYRE

2008-12-30T01:11:00.000-08:00

Empty and cold
Full and warm
These are emotions and states
That overwhelm me
They wax and wane with the
Passing of the days

A fool amongst idiots am I
Not a neurosurgeon
Not an ambassador
Nor Noble winner amidst my
Fellow mankind
Simple and quaintly born
To parents far too young to provide me
With a decent clean childhood

My Catholic education was a veil
And saving grace to give me a few steps
further along stepping stones of
Intelligence and scholarly will
People fight adversity and odds
From every angle and every which way

I never used my upbringing as a crutch
Moreover, it was fodder and fuel to fight
And maintain this eternal torch-lit pyre

BUTTERFLY WINGS

2008-12-25T13:48:00.000-08:00

I feel like my legs
are made of butterfly wings
Pretty and colorful,
thin and torn easily
Break at the sight, or the sound
of unfavorable winds.

No wonder a butterfly
Lives a rather brief
existence

SIDE LINES

2008-12-24T04:38:00.000-08:00

I stare at the words you use
And the face you make
Old stale smoke from my lungs
A habit that should have abandoned
Moons and eons ago

There's beauty to silence
And warm winter hums
Of an old heater thermostat
And neglected cobweb dust

The tree is glowing
I look forward to coming home
And turning it on
Its purple tinsel glow casts shadows
Diamonds that dazzle the walls

It doesn't cost a lot
to make me happy
I put myself through a lot to
Earn the decency of pride

Three years come and go in a crazy flurry
Winter blisters the cold castaway's eyes
I wish we could be friends,
its never that easy
Still I admire your craft
By the edge of sidelines

CHRISTMAS EVE

2008-12-24T04:36:00.000-08:00

That Christmas Tree's glow
Keeps me awake
The heater hums through the
Stillness of our home

The dog is asleep
Nestled between sheets
And no one knows
How my brain is on hyper speed

In a panic frenzy
The things that must be done
Before the world shuts down
For forty-eight hours or more

Will I get to heaven?
Will I get to sleep?
What will be served to eat
Between all the family feasts

Stirring from my bed
And bending at the knees
It's 3am on the morn of Christmas Eve
And I'm afraid to go back to sleep

BROKEN, BLED AND USED

2008-12-17T19:05:00.000-08:00

Broke, bled and bruised
Victims of yesterdays news
Breaking in and dying confused
Drowning in coal and oil's crude

Clawing from the wood overhead
The veil so daintily displayed
The shock and crash your dismay
Governor hordes cards worth playing

Broke bled and bruised
You're cheated, lied to and used
Played by the piper as fools
Penalized for breaking the rules

TONGUES ON HOLD

2008-12-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

We birds in flight
Still looking to be free
Tear through our cages of
Gilded debris

Forever in flight
We try to find our way
Roaming through the night
As Love-punished slaves

As we continue to fight
The crashes become drones
Dulled from the time
The memories unfold

Toward Flickering lights
We Hide within the folds
Those secrets kept
Our tongues on hold

EVERYTHING LOOKS BETTER

2008-11-26T22:35:00.000-08:00

Everything looks better on skinny girls
The back of their dresses opening
On their backs of their bones
Covered in curls and lovely roses
Wrapped in satin bows

Everything looks better on skinny girls
The cuffs of their pants and stilts
of their heals
Walking dark echoing halls
Has that eternal appeal

Everything looks better on skinny girls
The way she holds her cigarette
And the way she strolls and walks
The angles of her hips and legs
While circling the block

I'M NOT SPEAKING TO YOU

2008-11-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

I'm not speaking to you
Right now my voice is gone
You take me to the lake and
Leave me to drown
Is this your idea of fun

I'm not speaking to you
My heart is twisted, My chords are cut
Severed by way of razor blades
I didn't think you'd behave that way

Puff me up Then let me down
That is the charming mode of your ways
So don't come home, and let me sleep
Don't interrupt my dream state

I'm not speaking to you right now
Its something I can't afford
And when you get tired of running around
You can charm your way through another door.

THESE DAYS

2008-11-14T17:38:00.000-08:00

Seems like these days so many people have a book to write or story to tell about their comings and goings to stardom, and kingdom come. They have so many war wounds and scars from their addiction battles. They are coming around this enlightened mountain to share their sorrow and relay their story, their message with all of their "friends, families" and ultimately, strangers. Its as though the message has no validity unless there is an audience to penetrate. I am not passing a judgment, merely stating an observation.

In fact, call me guilty of the same thing. Writing and maintaining this little blog in the corner of the internet web. Pouring my soul and spilling my guts by cryptic metaphor after metaphor. It's really all the same. Whereas I may not have had too much history with horrendous drug use, I do however, feel the need to publicly vocalize my pains and sufferings from a repeatedly broken heart, and emotional inadequacies via the internet. It is my inner "artist," and moreover satiating my inner narcissistic ego maniac, I suppose.

Perhaps I think I have something to say, and maybe some want to read and listen. This is my quiet way, that doesn't bruise my ego too much. I write it, put it up, and let readers come as they will.

This is really just some mental side fart that popped in my brain just now. Understand, I've been sick in bed with the flu for three days. Today is the first chance I've been able to hone a little writing juice to type a little. (I've written two poems today, and after each one, I have had to lay back down, it is a dreadful flu).

I am confused and glad for these times. Think of it: We live in a time where we are 99% literate as a country, and 70 years ago, we were nowhere near that. And now just within the last twelve to fifteen years, we can put our voices and messages across on a global level within just a few seconds. That is powerful.

The times we live in are fast-paced and information infused. We live in times of heavy saturation and over stimulation. You better be able to travel 500mph or get left in the dust of yesterdays news and the lint of your dirty laundry.

NEW DAWN OF DAY

2008-11-14T16:02:00.000-08:00

The new dawn of day
Breaks through my head
Filters through the eyelids
Far from dead

The sunlight is a necessary visitor
Though I loathe its heat
Forced to settle in lovely weather
Oh this California heat

Smog cutters and cloth shutters
The smoke curls from my teeth
Dry and abandoned my tear ducts
Have lost their salty luster

I've been tan once in my lifetime
now I'm pale and have tainted my pores
I prefer the dark to the sunlight
And wear long sleeves to hide

SKELETON

2008-11-14T13:20:00.000-08:00

I can see myself becoming a skeleton
The hair wares away from my head
Laying in gray and stillness
Hardly stirring from my sick bed

Ruffled by silent paws and fur
The little chihuahua by my thighs
The only companion I can cling to
While my body is waiting to die

I spoke on the phone this morning
My lungs barely able to breathe
Reach for the comfort of my husband
But he's packed his bags waiting to leave

I love the look of skeletons
Their hallow eyes and expressionless stares
Gazing to the light of ever after
Forgetting the life that was theirs.

LINT FOR A SONG

2008-11-05T20:42:00.000-08:00

On Vacation, I'm a prisoner at home
I paint and wait and occupy my time
Trying to finish up the tasks to
Which I'm confined

I wish we could take a trip
To which to get away
But the money is out
And I haven't another way

Maybe I should call a flag
And surrender my home
Rot away with grandmother
Two full bags of bones

Try to be so tough
As time marches on
Leeches stick to my pockets
Leavin' me lint for a song

SHE MADE ME BEAUTIFUL

2008-10-18T23:54:00.000-07:00

She made me feel beautiful today
Just like she did once before
Gave to me a gift of glory
Laughing through echoing corridors

She made me beautiful one day
When beauty was all I had hoped for
Never more than a duckling
Kindly she carried a swan to the shore

She cut my dress and stitched a sleeve
Her sewing gift was was part of the course
We rolled around in make believe
Its reality extracted from my core

We never parted from our needs
Bound by ribbons through our pores
You made me beautiful yesterday
Just like you had once years before

for KvD

IF FLIES

2008-10-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

If flies were spies
That lived on our walls
And the tales those flies
Could tell us all

Those walls would crumble
And we'd be begging to crawl
From the treacherous tyranny
Of their fly tapping calls

MEMORIES OF YOU

2008-10-09T01:38:00.000-07:00

There's something about writing
and smoking that turns me on
When the lights are dim
And the love's all gone
When you've tried to quit
You realize quitting is wrong
And the time apart gets longer
than long

There's something about the
Stillness of the air
During an Indian summer
You can't hear the crickets' chirp
Still you continue to stare
They remind you that you are always alone
and he's never really there

There's something about starting over
that's pure
And the time marches on and you've lost
what seemed fair
I remain reluctant to fully divulge the truth
As I drift through those memories with you

TURNING THIRTY

2008-10-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Its weird, the old cliche "Time flies..." "Time flies when you're having fun" , or "The older you get, the faster it goes." "It's all over after thrity..." I laid down today to take a little nap. My back has been very problematic as of late from a horrible car accident some years back. And every once in awhile, it comes around to remind me of the impermanance of humanity and frailty of bones. Anyway, that accident was years ago, but I remember it like yesterday. I had just relocated to Los Angeles not to long before and the pain is still with me. Anyway, I am getting older, but don't feel it. I don't feel bothered or pressured by years and ages. Although it is ever apparant that things are changing.

My brother Eric is three years younger than me. He was married last year in August. Both of my step sisters have several children. My youngest sister, Victoria is already a sophomore in college and my littlest brother is over six feet and makes fun of me for being the shortest of the herd and wants to know whats hot for fall fashion and when he can get his next pair of designer jeans. My mom and step dad still look young as hell, so I can never judge time from their appearances. But that's just from my family.

Earlier this year, my group of friends witnessed the first of our groups wedding. And wow, that was nothing short of amazing. Several acquaintences have wed or had children since. Old friends from grade school and high school have made their ways into my life via the internet and are married, divorced, parents, all of the above. My first love from high school is engaged to a stunning woman, and will wed also in just a few days. I guess these are the signs of the times. You see it almost instantly after you turn thirty.

I guess I never realize how much time has elapsed, then I see a card in the mail, and its a wedding invitation or a baby shower. And here I am, just trying to make enough time for art, or music or writing and there's another little bundle under way.

I tried explaining it to one of my oldest friends last night. Women think differently. And its not for want, its just a physiological phenomenon. I never thought much for children or marriage, but as time has evolved, and being with someone who really is a great counterpart, these thoughts and questions are only natural. Even when you're single, you see lovers around you, and its natural to want to be a part of that special feeling. Girls want to wear shiny rings with time. They want to take care of people and make great homes. But its also an instinctive and natural event. These things tend to happen with time. And its more than just the birds talking to bees. If you move at a natural pace with life, I think you notice the true feeling of it more, than the forced act of it.

I woke up from my nap, and realized two hours had passed. That was not my usual power nap, but perhaps needed the sleep. You tend to heal injuries when at rest. So obviously I needed it. One of the funniest anecdotes I've heard that came along with turning thirty came from my dad: "Ah, Chantal. Now that's she's thirty, sure is going be hard for her to stay up all night and get up early."

BLEEDS THE NERVES TO DEATH

2008-10-02T01:10:00.000-07:00

In backseats and lovers in my bed
The lying and the beggars that I've fed
The aged solitude to which I'm condemned
Hear the heart that pumps through my head.

This roving rose still blooms in springtime
Through the fall and winter downtime
And this being that possesses my mind
The fruits of labor are spawned in time

Oh I feel it with my deepest desire
And my body is brimming with fire
Can't handle the distance through the wires
Ignited love carried through the pyre

Never tire of what lies ahead
I would keep you to the bitter end
I could cut you like an unraveling thread
Being severed bleeds the nerves to death

AMERICAN WOMEN

2008-09-27T23:16:00.000-07:00

WE American women
With Tears in our eyes
Tangles in hair
Scissors in hands
Cry from hunger
Cry from standing twelve hours
Serving and Smiling
Without a seat in sight

WE American women
Stirring and churning our emotions
Peeling the cracks from our skin
They bleed because they have no lotion
They suffer because there's no tent
That bears witness to their name
Their is no sympathy for the devil
And the daughter he spawned from
His apple and rib

WE American Women
Run the course of our ancestors
Play the same game our mothers
Showed us
Like Indians waiting for the smoke to clear
WE listen with our eyes, our lips and our ears

DEAR GOD

2008-09-23T21:50:00.000-07:00

DEAR GOD;

If you can hear me
Or if you can look into my heart
Please help me. Please help us
I don't know exactly how I got here
I don't know how its going to end
I just need help
I'd like to get out of this mess
I'd like to be happy again
I'd like to know we're going to be safe
I need your help to get out of this rut
Get me out of the ground

THE HORSEMAN

2008-09-23T13:48:00.000-07:00

Oh these crying eyes
And how I miss,
And how I yearn
Whenever I see the horseman
by the stairs

These old crying eyes are reminded
Those thoughts were endless drugs
Imagining a "once upon a time"
He ate the apples from my eyes

Just a faint long glimmer
That still tends to make me cry
When I think of him and the never ever
And those inevitable goodbyes

His wild horse galloped through through my dreams
And by his his steed rode straight to hell
Like a devil at his altar
Held me tightly under his spell

Afraid of him and into him
And the girl whose journey once began
He left me hanging high and dry
And by the salt of his hand

I need........

2008-09-20T20:07:00.000-07:00

I've been down.
Up and down.
Happy and green.
Low and lonely.
Alone and left and not really cared for
Bright and glowing 'til I hit the door

My health has been shitty lately
But I try to keep up
Hit the gym every day
At least have that energy going
as much as I can. but I have to tell you.
I'm not as good as I would like to be
And am scared of myself, and what I've been

Trying to succeed.
Trying to achieve.
The knots in my sides
And in my bones
And the holes in my stomach
Just won't give me peace

I try to be wonder woman or some super gal
But its hard sometimes to keep a smile on this face
To maintain the glimmer in these eyes
Sometimes its not that bad but
I just feel this way. This old pain.
Maybe I need someone to look out for me
Even just once and awhile
For some reason, even with companionship,
I tend to feel alone.

It must be something I need.

CUTTING THE DREADS

2008-09-10T14:09:00.000-07:00

Today I cut off half of my hair. Its still long, seemingly so, at least. The dreadlocks were out of control and I've been fussing about the need for experiencing change. I haven't left the state since January, which for me is an eternal undertaking. Last year and the year before, I did the math and had managed to be in a new state or country approximately every six weeks on average. That's quite a bit, if you ask me. Its really how I like it; And this year, I had only been out of state once.

Last January, for my birthday, I wanted to meet up with my partner in Park City Utah for the Sun Dance Festival. (He was supposed to be playing some shows with his mates, meeting up with some industry heads-the usual hype) I was able to hitch a ride with a friend who was going to meet up with her man, as well.

One of my closest girl friends also rode along with us, and I had to leave her behind to fix the situation that my partner and I had gotten into. Unfortunately, with that trip, I left behind more than just my friend and buckets of tears, but our friendship as well. And really, she nor I did anything to cause the schism. The fighting amongst the boys, caused these female friendships to fray apart.

Of course, through it all, I stood by my man. Despite all the arguing and screaming and doctors, and broken chords I quietly took control. (I can never get it right half the time). My eyes were swollen like golf balls and my throat was a sandbox. I gathered my resources. Had breakfast, and began making phone calls. If you have ever been to Utah, you know how gorgeous it is. And My ski fever was sky-high. On a side note, I was a little heartbroken about not being able to go skiing, I was heartbroken about a lot of things after that trip.

I managed to find the last available car service in Park City area to pick us up at a McDonald's and get us into Salt Lake airport. Which by the way a car ride during Sundance week was costing on average of $400 to $650 with a waiting period of three or more days. I was very lucky that a private service run by a mom and daughter had as much compassion as they did. Thankfully, for credit cards and cell phones it was possible to make the escape.

I had no intention or idea of knowing I would be putting myself through a total disaster in hell. Within less than twenty four hours, I managed to have crossed two state lines, go through desert and snow, see a dead dear, go to the local hospital and have the most horrible fucking birthday adventure/roadtrip. About eighteen hours later, and fifteen hundred dollars lighter, I was on the phone to California asking my poor mother to pick me up from Los Angeles airport. (After I had told her she could borrow my car while hers was in repair.)

I never really gave any details to anyone about this trip, until now. But yes, my Dirty Thirty was total treachery. Made me cry and hate my life. My most vulnerable secrets about my life were now out in the open for everyone to see. Why was I so stressed, light on cash, and noticeably thinner....yes, I had been hiding a lot and here it was a total blow up in front of God and everyone.

I don't know how I even got to this story from Dreadlocks, traveling and birthdays. Guess I probably needed to voice it somewhat. I tend to internalize way too much and feel I give way more than I take. I think I just need to get away. Take a breather from my daily routine. And Regain a new air of inspiration....

MAMA MADE ME CRY

2008-09-06T12:43:00.000-07:00

My mama made me cry yesterday
Now the phones all covered in
old tear stains
Said he doesn't love me
Doesn't act like he cares
Never seen me so thin
As I waste away and suffer this way
Says he has no pride nor shame
And if he cared he wouldn't
let me live this way

My mama made me cry yesterday
I was the oldest, the column
The one who made her proud
Now in just three years
Pounded by a tornado of tears
and the daughter who made her happy
Only seems to let her down

My mama heard me cry yesterday
Cause I couldn't answer back
And the water through the phone lines
Left their echoing sound
Said she's tired of biting her tongue
And the choices are made and done
But think hard about this one
Cause he's gonna leave you to drown